What is Life?

It's a gloomy night eh-

Yeah I am alone right now. Actually, my parents invited me to come into the mall together with them, but I declined their offer. Well... it's because my health wasn't really well to begin with.

But I guess it's just because I don't want to go into the crowds right now. I just want to be alone.

Is it really like that? I don't know. I don't know what's what anymore. It's frightening.

I don't have any idea since when I became like this. Mom asked me what did I want for lunch, or my GF asked me what present I want for my birthday, and maybe other things... I just don't know what to answer. It's scary, I never think about myself anymore.

I always think about the others' feelings more and more, everytime.

Like what are his feeling right now, or did I disturb her with my presence, or am I making them suffer because of me, I always ask these things in my mind. Everytime.

...and I guess it's no one's fault, except it's MY own fault.

Am I happy like this? I don't know, what's happiness anyway? Like I said, I don't know what's what anymore.

I just wanted the others to be happy... It's always that simple. Then if someone asked me how about you? I...just don't know. 

Maybe I will be happy if others are happy too. What a cliche and pathetic answer.

'Why not do what you want? In order to be happy, you know...just do what you want, ask what you want, it's your own fucking life dude!'

Then isn't that egoistic? I want myself to be happy? What about the others? What about in the process of making me happy will make them suffer? What about the money, won't it will be better if others use it rather than me?

Is my happiness really that matter? Is my happiness that important?

Please help me, God. I am lost. No one understands me, no one.