Blinded

I am feeling insomniac now, and I don't know why.

Right now I am deep buried in a hole named guilty, for not knowing how precious my GF is.

Some wise said, you never know how precious someone until you lose it. Yeah, I was reminded by God tonight. It's a bitter truth that I can be someone who don't understand how my GF can be so precious, how I was not feeling grateful having a great GF.

How can I be so blind? My GF understands me, knows me, that my weakness is in financial problem and try her best to be a GF that ask me just a little from her big want-list... 

She bury her desire in a lot of occasions, but still, why was I still complaining about it?

I... was pretty pathetic. Eaten by situation, making reason, blaming the condition -- But the guilty one in this problem is... myself.

I feel so guilty, so dumb, so pathetic. Why didn't I feel grateful back there, why did I say something that hurt her feeling, how can I be overrided by dark side.

Why? I don't know. Maybe just because I am already this pathetic in the beginning.

I know I have financial problem, and I know precisely that I can't blame my destiny, can't blame my parents, can't blame God for creating me this way.

This is my curse, this is the world's test for me. 

I have to overcome it, in order to be a better person and better boyfriend. I have to correct it, not blaming my GF instead.

I am so dissapointing.

I am sorry dear, I just can say sorry and be sorry. This is my another uncapability, my another pathetic fact. 

I know saying sorry or crying won't change the fact for what I did back there, I know. The only thing I can do is trying not to repeat it over again and be a better boyfriend. Be a lot better boyfriend.

I am so sorry...